


Once in a lifetime

by opposablethumbs



Category: Marvel
Genre: Barbecue, Don't Try This At Home, Food and drink, Kinda Cracky, M/M, korvac is a dick, loki and the grandmaster have some dubious morals but they're in love, not the bbq that's fine just don't steal houses, that's a lot of meat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-11
Updated: 2018-07-11
Packaged: 2019-06-09 02:04:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15256992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/opposablethumbs/pseuds/opposablethumbs
Summary: What better way to meet your significant others' family than with a backyard barbecue?





	Once in a lifetime

**Author's Note:**

> For day 7 of frostmasterweek2018. Beta read by the wonderful [whatthefoucault](http://archiveofourown.org/users/whatthefoucault), who puts up with way more of my nonsense than she should have to.

“It’s going to be fine. It’s going to be fine.” Loki kept the mantra going inside his head even as The Grandmaster leaned in and kissed his cheek.

“It’s going to be fine,” Jeff promised. “We have a beautiful house, a three cylinder barbeque and more meat than it is medically possible to eat. What could possibly go wrong?”

Loki held up a long, thin finger. “Well, first of all, this is _not_ our beautiful house. We picked the lock.”

“It’s a _show_ home,” the Grandmaster insisted. “You’re _supposed_ to Show It Off.” He gestured grandly around the rather plain interior of the suburban split-level. His arms fell to his side. “And the second?” he asked.

“I have to meet your brother!” Loki yelped.

“I met _your_ brother,” the Grandmaster chided.

“You took Thor prisoner,” corrected Loki. “It’s different. That was a little casual enslavement. This is…” he grimaced, “a _social event_ ”

The Grandmaster came over to him and tugged him into a solid hug, nudging his nose against Loki’s temple. “I know, Stardust, I know. But it’s just one day. And the great thing about borrowing this place is we can bounce whenever we want and they can’t find us again.”

A small smile filtered onto Loki’s face. He took a deep breath that only sounded a little bit like a sniff. “That’s the most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me.”

Jeff squeezed him tighter for a moment and then stepped back. “Good,” he said. “Now why don’t you lay out some of that potato salad? Taneleer _loathes_ potato salad.”

****

Loki sidled up behind the Grandmaster, looping his arms about En Dwi’s waist (and the ‘Call me Grill-master’ apron he was wearing). The smoke from sizzling sausages rose up and around them in puffy billows that made Loki’s nose itch. He wiped it discreetly on the Grandmaster’s shoulder, speaking quietly into his ear.

“I thought you said Taneleer hated potato salad,” he said quietly.

“He does,” Jeff agreed.

“But he just took a huge spoonful of it.”

A smirk twitched the Grandmaster’s cheek. “He has to have everything. It’s his nature.”

“Ooooh,” Loki replied. “I understand. I once turned into Thor’s favourite creature just to stab him. Well, I say ‘once’. It was more like four or five times. My brother is exceptionally gullible.”

Jeff leaned back against Loki’s chest. “You should go and tell them your stories. Get to know one another.”

Loki glanced back over to Taneleer but also to the woman sat beside him. He sighed. As if En Dwi’s notorious brother wasn’t intimidating enough, the Collector had also brought his daughter Carina with him. Her tan skin and flame-red hair set her physically apart from her father, but she seemed to have mastered the same appraising stare. 

“Maybe I could freshen their drinks,” Loki suggested.

****

“And you call this what?” Taneleer said, poking a painted fingernail into the side of the object of his attention, a box of wine placed on the bistro table the four of them sat around..

“Chardonnay,” Loki replied. “Apparently it’s a Midgardian tradition for such backyard ceremonies.”

“Interesting, interesting,” Taneleer replied, in such a way that it left Loki uncertain if the Collector did indeed find it of interest. Gambling that the answer was ‘yes’, Loki cleared his throat.

“We had some similar traditions on Asgard,” he said. “Only we didn’t use boxes, but barrels made from the salvaged bows of great warships. They would be brought out at feasts and set in front of the fire. As the wood warmed it would infuse the drink with the spirit of all the warriors who had served on board.”

Taneleer nodded. “I have a bottle of Asgardian mead in my collection. Rather common by my standards, but a novelty nonetheless.”

A small pang tugged at Loki’s chest. “You might find it’s somewhat rarer now than before.” He dipped his gaze, studying the emerald green grass beneath his boots. “Asgard is gone.”

Eager applause drew his eyes back up, in time to see Taneleer beaming joyfully. “Oh how _wonderful_ ,” the Collector said.

“Tan!” the Grandmaster said sharply.

Taneleer rolled his eyes. “Yes yes, very sad,” he said unsympathetically. “Our planet fell into a black hole.”

Loki blinked at Jeff. His partner had never said what had happened to his planet, or even hinted that it was doing anything other than spinning on its axis somewhere amid the infinite heavens. “Uh… I beg your pardon,” he said. “I didn’t mean to bring up any bad memories.”

Jeff patted Loki’s thigh reassuringly. “Don’t worry about it, kitten” he said. “It was a shithole. And I say that as someone who’s spent the, uh, last million or so years living in an actual garbage dump.”

“Quite,” agreed Taneleer. “It made Knowhere seem like somewhere.”

“I’ve never been to any of these places,” Carina said, idly studying her ruby painted nails. “Father birthed me in outer space from a shard of the power primordial.” She took a sip of her wine. “Korvac said he’d show me the stars, but then he always was better at making promises than keeping them.”

“Korvac?” enquired Loki politely.

“My ex husband,” Carina explained. “The emphasis very much on ex, thanks to you dear uncle.”

“You killed him?” asked Loki.

“Ehhh,” the Grandmaster replied shrugging.

Carina didn’t seem to hear, as she was busy reciting a laundry list of Korvac’s failings as a husband, conqueror, and - apparently - lover.

“...You’d think being made of metal it could’ve at least stayed hard,” she said, nose wrinkling.

Just then, the doorbell chimed and Loki, grateful for the interruption, jumped to his feet. “I wonder who that could be,” he said. “I better go and answer it. Immediately.”

The Grandmaster stirred and started to get to his feet. “Maybe I should come with…”

Loki laid his hand on En Dwi’s shoulder. “No, no,” he said. “You stay here and keep talking about, um, robotic members. I’ll be right back.”

The sense of ‘who the hell can that be’ that Loki felt as he marched through the house was particularly pronounced considering he and Jeff only took stewardship of this property the night before last, after the realtor’s onsite office had closed for the weekend.

He tugged open the door, braced for whatever mortal nonsense might be on the other side. In fact, what he saw was a young woman, perhaps the age of twenty. He looked her up and down. She had bleached hair dyed a delicate lilac and seven piercings in her left ear and was wearing a large amount of yellow. The only redeemable part of her outfit as far as Loki was concerned was her black patent go-go boots. 

“Umm, hello, yes?” he said.

She thrust out a brown paper bag towards him.

“Oh,” Loki replied. “We, uh… don’t want any.” 

The girl shrugged and fished into the bag herself, pulling out a bottle of beer. “More for me then,” she said, shouldering past him and into the house.

Loki was lost in surprise for enough seconds that, even hurrying behind her, he didn’t catch the girl up until she barged into the back yard.

The three Elders already sitting in the sun looked up.

“Va Nee!” Jeff cried, scrambling to his feet. “You made it!”

“Vanny the fanny,” Carina crowed. “Who’s bed did you just crawl out of?”

“Your momma’s,” the girl shot back.

“Val, honey,” the Grandmaster scolded gently. “Don’t be gross. That’s your aunt you’re talking about.”

The girl, Val, sneered. “No it’s not. You and uncle Tan reproduce asexually. Jeez dad, we had that talk when I was like eight.”

“Okay, well it _would_ be your aunt in the circumstance where you had just fucked Carina’s mother.”

Val screwed up her nose. “Granted,” she said.

Jeff, who had been creeping closer throughout the exchange, took that moment to pull the girl into a hug. 

She tolerated it for a moment and then pushed him back. “Alright that’s enough bonding,” she said, and turned to face Loki who was stood watching the entire exchange from the kitchen door.

He’d already put together the basics. This was En Dwi’s daughter, Va Nee Gast - known to the midgardians as Valerie Vector. Jeff had been upfront about having a daughter. He’d told Loki that their relationship was complicated and not a little fraught, and that they only saw each other once or twice per epoch. Loki knew all this, and had intellectually accepted it as part and parcel of loving a man that had been around since the literal beginning of time. However _knowing_ it didn’t change the fact Val was there, in that moment, in the backyard of his stolen suburban dream, staring at him with her bright violet eyes.

“Talking of bonding,” she drawled, gaze roving over Loki, “I guess this is the reason you messaged me. Hey,” she said, directing the last actually at Loki. “I guess you’re dad’s new bit of fluff.”

“I’m… I’m Loki of Asgard,” he managed to bluster out.

“Never heard of it,” Val said.

Pulling himself together a little, Loki lifted his chin and met her eyes. “It recently exploded,” he said.

“Did you do it?” she asked.

Loki blinked. “I was… involved,” he said.

“Cool,” Val grinned. She span back to face her father. “I like him,” she said and wandered over to the buffet table.

Jeff looked sheepishly at Loki. “Sweetcheeks. Honey. Babycakes,” he crooned softly.

“Why didn’t you tell me she was coming?” Loki hissed, dragging Jeff in by the collar of his robe.

“I didn’t know!” the Grandmaster squeaked. “I sent the invite via those, ah, Avenger guys. She didn’t reply so I thought she wasn’t coming.”

“Someone else won’t be coming for a while for this,” Loki swore.

The Grandmaster fluttered his most innocent eyes at Loki and Loki, ever the sap for the glorious idiot, melted. He tugged Jeff into a quick kiss.

“She seems nice,” he said as he pulled back.

“Oh she’s anything but that,” the Grandmaster replied with a grin. “She’s my daughter.”

Loki smiled, hooking his arm through Jeff’s and leading him back to the seating. “Even better,” he said.

****

Three boxes of wine later and Loki was at least eighty percent less desirous of yelling ‘get help!’ and launching himself into the neighbouring yard.

“Oh but he did,” Taneleer said. “He straight up challenged death to a game of tic tac toe.”

“As I recall,” En Dwi said, “I wouldn’t even have had to get involved if you hadn’t tried to steal her scythe.”

“We wouldn’t even have been in the afterlife if you could keep it in your pants.”

“You _dared_ me,” En Dwi said, pouting. “What was I supposed to do?”

Carina snorted into her wine glass. “Not fuck the mistress of the underworld?”

Sneering, Val threw a small piece of hot dog bun at her cousin. “Not everyone has your sexual hang ups, Rinny,” she said.

Loki cleared his throat. “Just to check, we’re not talking about Hel, are we?”

The Grandmaster shook his head. “Noooo, this was way before the neo-pagan resurgence.”

“Oh good,” Loki replied with a relieved sigh.

“But that Hela,” Val added, “Rawr.”

Loki felt heat in his cheeks. “She’s, um, actually my sister,” he said.

“Holy _shit_ ,” Val said.

Taneleer chuckled. “Like father, like daughter,” he said.

Val was looking the most engaged she had since her arrival. “Do you… have her number,” she said eagerly. She fluttered her eyelashes in an almost identical fashion to her father.

Loki shifted in his sun chair. “She… ah… recently exploded.”

Silence, peppered only by the hum of the distant interstate, reigned.

“Damn,” Carina said at last. “You managed to find an even more fucked up family than ours, uncle Gee.”

Grandmaster leaned over, his daiquiri tipping dangerously in one hand, and used the other to stroke Loki’s cheek. “It’s a gift,” he said.

****

The sun was getting low, but the light breeze lifted warmth off the sidewalks and driveways of the residential estate. The porch light had switched magically on and the yard was still more than pleasant. Jeff and Loki had reclined their loungers and were holding hands as the first stars began to appear in the darkening sky. Taneleer was snoring quietly in his own seat, a plate balanced on his rounded stomach. Carina and Val were sprawled on the grass at the far end of the yard, bickering - undoubtedly - about something unimportant.

Loki sighed softly. “This wasn’t a disaster,” he said.

“Told you,” En Dwi replied, smiling up at the sky.

A sound like a rocket whistled overhead, followed by a rumbling that Loki felt through the ground. He looked over to Jeff, and Jeff looked back at him.

“Car-eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-na!” A man’s voice rang through the night. With a startled snort Taneleer jerked awake.

“Whuh? What?” he said, sitting upright, the plastic plate slipping off his stomach and hitting the floor with a bonk.

Val was on her knees, head tipped to one side, and Carina was wobbling to her feet.

“Shit,” Loki heard her say.

“Reeeeeeeeeny!” The call was louder and in addition to being masculine, Loki was pretty sure that they sounded inebriated.

The fence panels on the side adjoining the neighbour’s garden began to wobble and an arm hooked over it. A leg followed, and a head, and a man rolled over the apex and into Loki and Jeff’s appropriated yard.

“Fuck, it’s Korvac,” Carina hissed, coming to stand at her father’s side. The tan colour had drained out of her cheeks, leaving her a pale peach.

Korvac, done with rolling and moaning in the flowerbed, started to climb to his feet. He caught sight of Carina and stumbled forward. “Carina, baby,” he said, reaching for her.

“Go home, Korvac,” Carina yelled back. “You’re drunk.”

“I want you back baby. I’m a mess without you.”

“You were a mess with me. You’re just a straight-up mess, Korvac.”

Jeff placed himself between Korvac and Carina. “I, uh… think you should do what she says.”

“Shh, gramps,” Korvac said. “Or else.”

Loki leapt to his feet, summoning his knives into his hands. “Or else what?” he threatened.

“Pfft, chill out, princess,” Korvac replied. “This is between me and my woman.”

“She’s not _your_ woman.”

The last came from behind him and Loki looked over Korvac’s broad shoulder to see Val storming down the garden towards them. 

“Alright, then she’s my _wife_ ” Korvac sneered, even as he shrank back a little at the furious thunderstorm barreling towards him.

“No she’s not,” Val barked. “She’s not your _anything_. You lost any influence you ever had over her the moment you broke her heart.” Her hands were balled into fists and the look in her eyes said ‘try it’.

Taneleer was last on his feet, circling calmly to the side of the collective and facing Korvac cooly. “En, bring me your melt stick,” he said softly.

Loki heard Korvac swallow, looking at the semi-circle of ancient and powerful beings ready to throw down. He was thoroughly outflanked, and he knew it, glancing over his shoulder to his only route of escape.

Carina stepped up beside her father, touching his arm gently before addressing the intruder. “It’s over, Korvac,” she said. “You need to accept that.”

“But… but…” There were tears in Korvac’s eyes, but Loki couldn’t find it in him to feel any pity.

“No buts,” Carina said. “Leave. Now.” She pointed back over the fence the way he came.

Korvac’s shoulders sagged and his head dropped to his chest. Dragging his feet, he slouched defeatedly back over to the fence and mounted it gracelessly. Loki heard him thud to the ground on the other side.

“Yeah, that’s how we do it, fam!” Val cried, punching the air. Then her face fell as her gaze glanced over Carina. She was on her cousin in three long strides and gathered her into an embrace. “What did you ever see in him,” she scolded, even as she hugged Carina.

“I was young!” Carina defended.

“You were over a billion!” Val argued, squeezing Carina and then stepping back. “How did he even find you here?”

“He must've talked to Janice,” said Carina. “She's the only one I told.”

“Man, fuck Janice,” Val replied. 

Loki sheathed his knives. “I feel like I’m on one of those reality TV shows,” he said between him and Jeff. The Grandmaster nodded his agreement.

****

A few hours later, Loki slipped into bed beside En Dwi. The plain white sheets of the bed slid crisply and coolly over his bare skin as he scootched up to his boyfriend’s back. He kissed a pink patch of skin at the back of the Grandmaster’s neck. It was hot under his lips.

“Too much sunshine, Sunshine,” he chided.

Jeff turned over to face Loki. “Then you better sprinkle some of your stardust on me and make me feel better.”

Loki petted En Dwi’s hair, allowing his Asgardian guise to fall just from his hand, spreading soothing cold on the flushed skin.

“Mmm,” the Grandmaster purred. “Better.”

Loki returned his hand to a normal temperature, but continued petting Jeff’s hairline, feeling the soft strands between his fingers. “Thank you for today,” he said.

“Hey, yeah, no problem,” Jeff replied. “It was, uh, fun.”

Loki bent in and kissed him briefly, noses nudging. “We could even do it again if you like.”

“Oh God, no,” Jeff said, eyes widening in horror. “In fact, let’s move on first thing in the morning.”

Loki laughed. “Perfect,” he said.

“Do you…” the Grandmaster said hesitantly. “I mean, would you like to, uh…”

Loki shifted a little closer. “Yeah?” he asked breathily.

“Burn it down?” En concluded. “The house. Trash the place. Light it on fire. Leave nothing but smoking ashes?”

Loki considered it carefully. He did enjoy a good bonfire, and scorching the ground behind him was pretty much his trademark aesthetic. He pouted thoughtfully. “No,” he said at last. “We might want to come back.”

He wound himself tighter around his crazy, wonderful boyfriend and went to sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm on [tumblr](https://opposablethumbs-on-aO3.tumblr.com/)!


End file.
